The Rewards of Empathic Listening - What Tubing Down the Provo River with My Son Taught Me
My 11-year-old son Hudson and I went tubing down the Provo River this summer while my husband and 14-year-old son hiked Lone Peak Mountain (11,260 feet) in the Wasatch Range near Salt Lake City in Utah.
We often split up our outdoor adventures because our boys have vastly different interests and scaling 5,600 feet in elevation gain over 11 miles starting at 4 am is frankly not Hudson’s cup of tea. Not exactly mine either these days. My adventure appetite ebbs and flows. 😉
Hudson wasn’t exactly thrilled to be tubing down the Provo river with me. His idea of a perfect day is playing Minecraft with his friends online.
Tension hung in the air. He didn’t really want to go.
But we were in Utah to immerse ourselves in nature and to connect as a family before returning to NYC for another year of remote learning in cramped quarters.
I made the outing mandatory. I was convinced once on the river he would change his mind. I’m usually right but occasionally I get it wrong and they love to remind me of those few misadventures.
We decided to tie our tubes together for the two hour adventure so we could chat because the last time I went tubing with him in NC I stressed half the time because he was way ahead of me and I kept imagining him drowning! Not my idea of fun.
As we pushed our tubes into the surprisingly fast moving waters we squealed as the icy cold water numbed our legs. Luckily the sun was out to balance the 50 degree water.
The freezing water kept us alert and giggling throughout. We eventually got used to it.
The route had enough mini-rapids along the way to keep us entertained by throwing us up against rocks and bushes along the edges of the river bank.
We had our fair share of screams (okay, mostly me!) and opportunities to work together to avoid being punctured in the eye, nose, head and legs by stray pointy branches.
I made a mental note to bring a stick next time to push our tubes away from the killer bushes! 🤣
When we weren’t fending off the bushes, Hudson kept me entertained with all the latest details on his adventures on Skyblock Minecraft Hypixel. It’s a survival challenge online game where you spawn your own island in the sky with limited resources and build your empire.
I was a captive audience for two hours and he delighted in sharing every detail he could think of about spawning dragons and other magical resources.
I imagine this was a delight without his older brother dropping belittling comments like “nobody cares Hudson!” like he frequently does at home when Hudson tries to share details with us.
I normally have very little interest in online gaming.
In fact I struggle with how to parent and balance his passion for it with my ideals of spending as much time in nature as possible (his idea of torture these days). But today I decided to engage and listen to what he was up to with 100% curiosity. It was my time to connect with Hudson and the way to his heart is through Minecraft.
I was fascinated to learn about the sophisticated investing schemes going on the platform, from the millions of coins he was making on the market to the complex trades he was planning with his friends.
He had goals, benchmarks and all sorts of strategies to make them all happen. His passion was bubbling over. It was impressive.
We kept floating along enjoying the majestic mountain views on either side of us. Hudson went for a couple swims in the icy water. He’s got his dad’s Canadian blood in him. I on the other hand had to channel my mindset powers and only managed a quick dip.
When we got to the end I was feeling pretty awesome about our afternoon on the river together. I asked Hudson what his favorite part was. The rapids? The time we nearly lost gouged out our eyes? When we went around the wrong side of the island? Swimming in the freezing water? Or was it just chilling and enjoying the views?
“No,” he said. “My favorite part was talking to you for two hours about Minecraft.”
That nearly knocked my socks off.
But of course! If he couldn’t play Minecraft, the next best thing was to talk about it for two hours, especially with someone who was truly listening to what he had to say.
I held space for him to share everything that was on this mind. I asked questions. I was curious. I just listened and appreciated him for who he was. I didn’t judge him like I sometimes do when he plays online for too long (whether it is conscious or unconscious) or dismiss him like this brother often does.
He could feel my interest that day and delighted in it.
The realization made me feel both happy and sad at the same time. It made me realize how much he craved someone really listening to him and how little recognition we give him in this space (his passion!).
Hudson asked if I’d be interested in seeing visually what some of the worlds he described to me looked like so I had a better concept of what he was referencing in our conversations. I said sure.
The tension between us had thawed. He was starting to open up to me. He felt heard. He had my undivided attention for a few hours without my iPhone nearby or sibling interrupting. That is rare these days.
We may not always agree on how much time he can allocate to gaming each week but the experience reminded me to never underestimate the power of being present and really listening to loved ones.
Showing interest and curiosity in what they do, even if it isn’t something that we’d normally be interested in is invaluable. I’m not talking about people-pleasing, where we aren’t in alignment with our authentic selves and ultimately don’t say “no” when we want to.
It’s about empathic listening, being curious and holding space for people because we care and want to understand their perspective. We pay attention to their thoughts and feelings.
I do this all the time with my coaching clients but it's easy to forget to make the space sometimes in our everyday lives for loved ones, colleagues and friends. It doesn’t have to be for two hours, just ten minutes of empathic listening can make a world of difference.
I’ve been practicing this more with Hudson and I already see the payoffs. It isn’t always easy for me but I’m learning.
Is there a relationship in your life that could benefit from empathic listening? How would the relationship benefit if you set aside time to listen to them more often?
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P.S. I've got a few 1:1 coaching spots in my Master Working from Home Signature program this fall for high achieving moms who are stressed out and want to create calm and ease in their lives. I will teach you how to take back your time, set up healthy habits and achieve your lost goals. There is never a better a time to create the life you want. Click on the button below to set up a free discovery call to learn more. 👇
#empathiclistening #listen #relationships