How To Stop People Pleasing And Say No With Ease
Want to save a lot of time? Stop people-pleasing. Learn how to say no and be authentically you.
I find people-pleasing to be one of the biggest time-sucks for many women, especially moms who are “doers.” The ones everyone can count on to get things done. They don’t want to let people down so people get comfortable relying on them because they always pull through. It’s a vicious circle.
Not sure if you’re a people-pleaser? Here are ten signs:
You can’t say no.
You pretend to agree with everyone.
You go to great lengths to avoid conflict.
You need praise to feel good.
You feel responsible for how other people feel.
You apologize often.
You feel burdened by the things you have to do.
You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry with you.
You act like the people around you.
You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt.
I’m a recovering people-pleaser. I did it for different reasons. Mostly because for a long time I confused it with kindness. I wanted to support friends who were engaged in philanthropic efforts and support our kids’ public schools. I’d join advisory boards and volunteer to be Class Parent, etc.
There is nothing wrong with this except that I didn’t always feel comfortable saying NO when I didn’t really want to do it or when I needed to step down from the position due to a full schedule. I wanted to be a good person, so I just kept on giving at the expense of my own energy levels and priorities. I take responsibility for this.
I’ll never forget when I heard Brooke Castillo say that “people-pleasers are liars.” They tell people what they want to hear in order to get them to like them. “That is not kindness, it is manipulation!”
Say what?! That did not sit well with me at first.
As much as I hated hearing these words, they also resonated as true. At times I was lying and trying to manipulate what others thought of me. I was trying to please them, make them happy by fulfilling their wishes and supporting their causes even though I didn’t have the time or interest. What a misguided use of my time and energy! Only to end up being frustrated and resentful of the people I was trying to help. That wasn’t the kind of energy I was aiming to manifest in the world.
My takeaway is we’ll never reach our greatest potential if we’re trying to be all things to all people. We have to learn to say no and be our authentic selves. I’ve been practicing saying no a lot over the last few years. It has certainly been uncomfortable but it has created room for me to pursue more of my personal interests and given me space to grow. As a result, it has actually allowed me to have an even greater positive impact in the world.
How to stop being a people-pleaser
One way to stop being a people-pleaser is to start practicing saying NO to small things and build up to the bigger things. Turtle steps. Respecting our own desires will enhance our relationship with ourselves, our loved ones and free up time in our schedules for the things we care about.
This will save time and energy too. Our time is extremely valuable. We must guard it and save it for the things we really care about. This will allow us to show up as our best selfs in other areas in our lives.
Saying “no” is sometimes the kindest and best thing we can do. If the person is really our friend, they’ll understand.
Example of phrases to use to say no
I recognize that saying no is sometimes harder than it sounds. So here are different ways to say no. Find one that resonates with you and tweak it to fit your personality. Memorize it and practice saying it so it rolls off your tongue with comfort. So the next time someone asks you to do something you and your gut response is NO, you can authentically and naturally say respond with ease.
I appreciate the offer, but I can’t.
I love you. I don’t have time, but I know you got this. Let me know how it goes.
No, is there another way I can help?
I don’t have the bandwidth to produce for you right now.
I appreciate the invitation, but I am completely booked.
Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t.
Regrettably, I’m not able to.
No thank you, but it sounds lovely.
Thanks, but maybe another time.
I’m flattered you considered me, but unfortunately I’ll have to pass this time.
Thank you so much for thinking of me. Let me check my schedule and I’ll get back to you.
Finally, you don’t owe anyone an explanation or details. Don’t make up an excuse that isn’t true. No more lies. People will respect you even more when you can give them a straightforward answer.
If they are disappointed, ask yourself if this person really wants what is the best for you or if their purpose is self-serving.
If you are stuck and aren’t sure how to respond, review your priorities and see if the request falls in your top five time or life priorities. And ask yourself, is this the best use of your valuable time?!
Challenge for the week
Consider your life... where are you people-pleasing and struggling to say no? If you were true to yourself, how much time could you free up in your schedule by saying no? How amazing would it feel to have that extra time to pursue your own priorities and be authentically you without harboring any resentment?
If you’d like to dive deeper on this, schedule a free consult. We can discuss where you are, where want to be and how I can help you get there. You can save lots of time by learning to say no. Master your time and set yourself free!
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