Three Ingredients To Creating Healthy Boundaries
A lot of parents have seen their list of responsibilities double over the last six weeks with the added responsibility of managing their kids’ remote education while juggling their own remote work, often in cramped living quarters. We’re all in uncharted territory and finding our limits pushed in new ways. As a result, prioritizing self-care and maintaining healthy boundaries with colleagues, friends, spouses and children has become a hot topic in many circles.
Many people think boundaries are for controlling other people’s behavior when in fact they are created as a guide for ourselves to help us delineate where our emotional and physical boundaries begin and end. It is a way of “drawing a circle” around our behavior and ourselves. Boundaries are amazing tools for self-care and enhanced intimacy with loved ones when used in a healthy manner.
So what is a boundary?
A boundary is a request you make of someone to change a certain behavior and a consequence you will do to self protect if they violate that boundary again.
If you________, then I will _______.
Some examples include:
“If you raise your voice at me, then I will leave the room until you stop.”
“If you berate me on the conference call, then I’m going to hang up.”
“If you blast the music on high volume, then I’m going to work in a different room.”
“If you smoke in my house, then I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”
“If you curse on our Zoom call, then I’m going to have to get off our call.”
“If you don’t show up on time for our meeting, then I’m not going to wait more than 5 minutes.”
You make the request, give them the option to do whatever they would like to do and then you follow through on your request with an action you will take. It is a way to care for and protect yourself during a “boundary violation.”
A good analogy is for a boundary violation is the image of a house with a white picket fence around it. Now imagine a stranger opening the fence gate and walking into your front yard. That is a clear boundary violation into your private space. The boundary is there to protect you and your emotional and physical space. It isn’t created to control and manipulate other people’s behavior, such as “if you don’t clean up your dishes, then I’m not going to have sex with you ever again.” That is not a boundary, that is manipulation.
People often confuse requests with boundaries like “I’d like my boss to give me more feedback,” or “I’d like my colleagues to call me back immediately.” These types of requests fall into the category of creating instructional manuals for how they wish people in their lives would behave so they could feel a certain way (see my blog from last week on manuals). On the other hand, a boundary will clearly state the request and action you will take to self-protect if they violate it again such as “if you don’t call before you stop by the next time, then I’m not going to answer the door.” The action is not penalizing the other person, as adults are generally free to behave as they wish. You are simply protecting your emotional and physical space which is your prerogative.
Healthy boundaries promote self-responsibility and empowerment, and can lead to closer relationships with others. Whereas unhealthy boundaries are manipulative and distance us from others.
Three ingredients to healthy boundaries:
1. Get clear on your boundaries: The first thing that all of us need to do is be really clear about our own emotional and physical boundaries. We don’t need to announce our boundaries to the world. The only time we need to talk about a boundary is when there's been a clear boundary violation and the situation necessitates sharing.
For example, most of us don’t allow people to hit or yell at us, but we don’t walk around telling everyone we know “Hey, don’t hit or yell at me or I’ll call the police” until there is an actual boundary violation. However, if someone is swearing or using drugs you can just get up and leave, you’re not obliged to announce your boundaries to the violators. You can if you want to but you don’t always need to.
Food for thought: Take a few minutes to think about what your boundaries are, if any, during this quarantine timeframe? Bring awareness to them. Where are they coming from?
2. Love based, not fear based: Boundaries should always come from a place of love and kindness for yourself and others, not from a place of anger and frustration. This will lead to better relationships and less resentment in your life.
When people get upset they’ll set boundaries to punish loved ones. For example, “If you go out with your friends again, then I’m breaking up with you.” Or “If you give me another project to work on, I’m quitting this job.” If you are feeling negative emotions you want to work through them before setting and communicating your boundaries. Otherwise, it will probably end in a less than ideal outcome. It helps to write down your feelings and work through them until you get to a space of calm and love (at least for yourself). If you can’t get to love (which can be hard), try cultivating curiosity with your thoughts and feelings. Remember, the reason you’re upset isn’t because the person violated your boundary, it is because you didn’t communicate it effectively to begin with if it was important to you.
Also, it is important to remember that your thoughts create your feelings. Take responsibility for your own emotions. Then, clearly explain that you are setting your boundaries from a place of love and what will happen if it isn't honored. For example, you can say “Hey, this is a boundary issue for me, and I’m not comfortable with this going on. If it does continue, this is what I’m going to do. I think you are wonderful and amazing, and I value your friendship, so that’s why I want to be clear and straightforward about this.”
It is loving because it's you owning your side of the relationship. You are owning your own needs and desires, communicating requests, but still allowing other people to make decisions about how they're going to behave.
Food for thought: Do your boundaries come from a place of love and kindness to yourself and others? Or are they fear based and punishing?
3. Follow through 100% of the time: If you make a boundary request of someone and don’t follow through, you’ve actually only made an idle threat. This diminishes your own self-respect and their respect for you. You have to be willing to follow through on your consequences 100% of the time to make boundaries an effective tool in your life.
I personally find this part hard. I’m clear on my boundaries, I’m generally able to come from a place of love for myself and others, but following through 100% is a challenge. I’m afraid of risking the relationship, telling the truth and making others angry. I’m a work in progress in this area. As a recovering people-pleaser, I'm learning to let people think whatever they want and be wrong about me. Others don’t have to understand or agree with my boundaries. My boundaries are for me. What is important is that I try to move forward in the relationship from a place of authenticity and love. If I don’t, I risk seething with resentment and this doesn’t serve the relationship long-term.
Food for thought: How often do you follow through on your boundaries? Why or why not?
Final thoughts:
Boundaries can be amazing tools for creating intimacy and connection with others if we are willing to implement them and be in integrity with ourselves. They don’t keep people out of our lives, they simply keep people from violating our important spaces. Boundaries aren’t about controlling other people, they are about managing ourselves and our own actions.
Be careful not to have so many boundaries that you’re always leaving the room and isolating yourself. Make sure to create balance. Don't hold others responsible for your feelings. Remember, other people don’t create your experience in the world. You do, with your thoughts, feelings and actions. You get to control it. 💪🏼
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