Your Judge is Not Your Friend
Do you have a voice in your head that constantly finds fault with yourself, others or the circumstances in your life?
It’s pretty normal. It’s part of our physiological negativity bias and survival instinct to scan for danger.
The voice pretends to be your friend and has probably “helped” you through some tough physical or emotional situations.
But in the end, the Judge is your number one private enemy in life.
It impacts your well-being, happiness and success far more than most other things.
Why? Because the Judge is the cause of much of our disappointment, anger, regret, guilt, shame, and anxiety.
I recently took a seven week course for coaches on Positive Intelligence with Shirzad Chamine that dove into this topic in depth, so let’s take a look at the three types of judges at play in our lives.
1. Judging Self
Judging yourself starts in childhood. That voice that says you aren’t good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, popular enough, etc.
By the time you are an adult it faults you for not being happy enough, wealthy enough, not having changed the world enough, or not being quite where you thought you’d be yet, etc.
Sound familiar?
Our ways of dealing with our judge induced insecurities are different, because different people’s Judges trigger different accomplice saboteurs.
What is true for all of us is the Judge thrives on lies. The most damaging lie it perpetuates is that you are not worthy of love or respect by just being who you are.
Instead, you PERFORM in order to feel worthy, giving yourself conditional love only if you meet certain criteria you’ve set for yourself.
A carrot for good behavior isn’t real love. It’s conditional love. You want to love yourself for being YOU. Not for anything good or thoughtful you’ve done.
2. Judging Others
The second way the Judge sabotages us is by judging others. How often have you heard yourself say “what is wrong with you/him/her?” If you are constantly in conflict with someone you can guarantee the Judge is playing an active role, especially where you are 100% sure you are right and it's other person's fault!
When you judge others it often triggers the Judge in them, creating conflict and evidence for your original judgement. Your Judge will of course never take responsibility for its own role in triggering and reinforcing your counterpart’s Judge. It becomes a vicious cycle of triggering each other's Judges.
No one likes to be judged. It’s the cause of much tension and conflict in relationships at work and home.
3. Judging Circumstances
The third way the Judge sabotages you is by judging the circumstances in your life and finding them lacking. It does this under the pretense of being rational and helpful.
The Judge’s biggest lie is you can’t be happy with your current circumstances. “You’ll be happy when you…”
“move to Utah and have a daily view of the mountains!’ 😜
“help 10,000 more unemployed women find jobs,”
“Get your dream job and salary…,” etc.
Mr. Charmine argues this is the reason why there are so many mid-life crises. The list never ends or we’ve supposedly achieved the things we were told would make us happy, yet we aren’t. Why? Because we have a Judge that keeps telling us you’ll be happy WHEN you achieve the NEXT goal. It is a never-ending chase for happiness and peace.
When you look more closely there are two lies the Judge is telling.
First, that you can’t be happy with your current circumstances.
Much of our unhappiness comes from this lie alone. It places a “when” on our eventual happiness. Example, when you finally get that raise or move to a new house.
Second, “when” is a moving target. When you finally get the raise the Judge will let you be happy for a 1-2 months and then it will set a new standard you will need to continue to be happy. The ever-moving target is an optical illusion the Judge uses to ensure your continued unhappiness.
Final Thoughts
People often argue that their Judge helps them defend themselves in relationships and the workplace. But a better resource to turn to is your voice of DISCERNMENT. Discernment is when you are paying attention to the state of things as they are.
When you are in a place of discernment you are more likely to activate the innate sage powers that we all have to figure out what to do next like: (1) empathizing with ourselves and others (2) exploring with deep curiosity, (3)innovating creative options, (4) navigating among our options and choosing the paths that best align with our deepest-held values and purpose, and (5) activating our intention in order to generate results. I’ll dive deeper into these five sage powers discussed by Mr. Charmine in a future blog.
So how do you know you are in judge vs discernment mode? Notice your feelings. If you are feeling upset, disappointed, anxious, or resentful, you are judging.
You can start weakening your Judge simply by observing and LABELING it. You give it your own name, like “Judge”, “Destroyer”, “Sourpuss”, “Know-it-All”.
The act of observing and labeling your Judge makes a difference. Notice the difference between “This is a terrible situation” and “My Judge says this is a terrible situation.” It automatically loses much of its credibility and power over you as you isolate it and remove its power.
Self Inquiry: What would change at work or in your personal life if our Judge’s voice were significantly weakened?
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P.S. If you are a social impact professional that is stressed out and would like to create a fulfilling work-life balance while increasing your impact, sign up for my 8-week small group coaching program for Greater Productivity, Freedom and Impact starting April 5th. Learn more here. Those who sign up before March 31st get a free bonus one-on-one coaching session with me.
#stopjudging #letgoofjudgement