Misguided Love
How do you feel when someone judges you? Especially if it's a dear friend, spouse or boss?
It can feel pretty crappy when it’s someone you respect or care about. If we aren’t careful, it can breed resentment, self-doubt, anger and pain.
Yet we continue to judge people all the time, especially our loved ones, straining the relationships that are most precious to us.
So I’ve been paying a lot of attention to my inner Judge lately - trying to notice how I judge myself, others and the circumstances in my life. I watch my Judge, get curious and listen to it.
It doesn’t feel good when I judge. It creates a lot of negative feelings in me. Thus, I typically think of my Judge as a negative thing. Who wants to feel bad or make others feel bad!?!
But I’m also noticing that my Judge often comes from a place of love, she is just often misguided in her attempts to show that love.
For example, over the last year I increasingly criticized my kids’ passion for online gaming and was wary of its potential effects on their well-being and academics. It came from a place of love and concern for their future, but also a place of fear.
But as you can imagine, judgement wasn't an effective tool for getting my point across or influencing them positively in the long run. I tried to be discerning but as Coach Bev Aaron recently pointed out, “Kids hear your thoughts not your words.”
It just created tension in our relationship and they started tuning me out.
Sound familiar?
A much more effective way for me to parent in this area has been to understand why gaming is so important to them, empathize, understand their needs, ask them for ideas of how THEY would resolve their homework issues and brainstorm solutions together.
Listening and understanding where my inner Judge is coming from has been helpful in not being harsh on myself for some failed parenting attempts, just like it has beneficial to listen and understand my kids in navigating this journey.
It doesn't mean I act on my Judge's advice or even agree with my kids. It just establishes some mutual respect and feeling heard as a basis of understanding. It increases the likelihood of us finding a sustainable solution.
Judgment and controlling tactics may get me the results I want in the short-term, but I’m pretty sure my kids and I will pay a long-term price for it.
Instead, when I’m triggered on this topic I'm best served by 1) pausing, 2) using breathwork to get out of my judgmental mind space and into my body so i can calm down and better access my inner sage, and 3) use proven tools like empathy, deep listening, and creative brainstorming to find a solution.
In what areas of your life does your inner Judge mean well but is misguided in its attempts to show love?