Conflict Can Be a Gift - 6 Steps to Better Conflict Management
Being in a conflict with a loved one or work colleague is draining. It can leave you feeling frustrated, angry, and resentful. As a result, so many of us shy away from it. We see conflict as a bad thing. And when we ignore it, the conflict festers and gets bigger.
But what if we could see conflict as an opportunity to deepen our relationship with others or an opportunity to personally grow? So instead of conflict being a bad thing, it could be a good thing! Here’s how .
6 Steps To Better Managing Conflict
When we are in conflict with someone, we often take a position and fight for it. We might lose the argument or eventually compromise. Either way, the end result is often resentment or some kind of erosion of trust.
An alternative approach is to pause, down-regulate our nervous system by breathing or going for a walk, and contemplate the following questions (based on Shirzad Chamine’s PQ Mental Fitness Framework):
1) Explore: What are the UNDERLYING ASPIRATIONS I and this person have? What is the deeper WHY behind their position?
For example, I recently had a heated disagreement with my teenager over whether he should attend a sports camp at school. He didn’t want to go and I insisted he had to. We both blew up and created a lot of tension in our relationship.
Afterwards I took the time to get curious about WHY I was so insistent on MY position. My first answer was “He needs to learn how to stick to his commitments. I’m seeing a pattern.”
Digging a little deeper, I kept asking myself WHY? “Because sticking to commitments is one tool in succeeding in life! He needs practice. Opportunity to make friends. And first impressions matter...”
WHY? “Because I want him to be happy!”
WHY? “Because I love him.”
I also went back and asked my son, his WHYs for his position of not going to camp?
He shared “It wasn’t fun. I have better things to do, like my internship that IS fun.”
Digging a little deeper, I kept asking WHY? “Because I don’t like sports and it hurts my arms too much. I also enjoy my internship and it ends soon..”
WHY? “Because I like to do things at my own pace. And I am learning a lot at my internship at the moment. The sports camp takes away from that. I am keeping my commitment to my internship. The sports one was more your imposed commitment.”
His deeper aspiration was to have fun, learn a lot, and keep his other commitment (internship). Mine was for him to be happy and love him. We weren’t so far off from each other.
Imagine if we had this deeper conversation the first time around!
2) Empathize: Put yourself in the shoes of the other person and notice what it feels like to be in their position. Deeply understand the associated WHY that has led to their position.
I now totally get my son’s reasons. He wants to have fun, learn a lot, and stay committed to his internship. He has the rest of the year to play his sport. I may not share his conviction but I get it.
3) Navigate: Consult your future elder wiser self (maybe 10-30 years down the road) as to what is truly important to pay attention to in this situation.
My future self advises me to let my son make these key choices on his own and experience the natural consequences of them. I can help him walk through his choices thoughtfully, but it is his decision along with his school’s.
4) Intercept Your Saboteur: Explore how your self-sabotaging habits might be leading to your position or triggering extra tension in the relationship that isn’t needed.
For example, my Judge, Hyper-Achiever and Controller tendencies were all showing up in this conflict. I was judging his choices and deeming them unwise. I was trying to control the situation, such as my way or the highway. I wasn’t letting him follow his intuition and interests. And my hyper-achiever was exaggerating how important this sports camp was in the grand scheme of things. All my baggage was triggering his own saboteurs too.
5) Innovate: Find a new position that satisfies both parties. Brainstorm a bunch and then see what ones might be feasible and both agree on.
Some ideas that my son and I discussed. He could go to camp and his internship on alternating days. He could go to his internship after camp and stay later. He could catch up on his work on the weekend. He could focus on his internship and play the sport the rest of the year.
6) Activate: After choosing your solution, determine actions and make commitments on how to proceed.
Ultimately, my son and I agreed that keeping his commitment to his internship was what brought him more joy and learning. That is something I want for him too. He also has all year to pursue his sport once school starts. Were there trade-offs? Absolutely, and they were his to make.
My judge, hyper-achiever and controller tendencies still want to creep into our conversations sometimes, but I’m on to them. But by going back and working through this conflict with these 6 steps we are in a much stronger position in our relationship moving forward. We both feel heard at a deeper level. Tension has been defused and I’m strengthening my mental fitness muscles around hot issues with my teenager. I turned the conflict into an gift and opportunity on many levels.
What about you? Is there a conflict in your life that you can apply this framework to?
I’ll be honest, It takes effort. Sit down for 20 minutes and walk yourself through the six questions and notice if your energy shifts and you come up with a more productive and loving outcome for all involved.
Feel free to reach out to me to work through a conflict you have.
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Interested in learning more about how Mental Fitness can help you better approach life's challenges? I have free Voxer App Office Hours Friday January 27th 9-11 am AEDT/Sydney = 5-7 pm EST/NYC on Thursday January 26th. Drop in and ask me any coaching question you like. Look forward to chatting with you.
📸 Picture from Nikola Johnny Mirkovic, @thejohnnyme