Communication Struggles? Build a 10% Bridge

Struggling to communicate with a colleague or loved one?

Maybe you’re trying to reach an agreement about something and everything that comes out of their mouth just annoys the hell out of you.

Or you’re convinced that you are 100% right and they're just plain bonkers. You can’t imagine why they are thinking this way!

Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

Here’s one approach I’ve found helpful in these situations:

Breathe, get curious and find the 10% truth.

Let me explain.

Pause and Breathe: When you notice you’re in a situation that isn’t fruitful, pause as soon as you can, take a few deep breaths and slow the conversation down.

Silently take a few slow inhales and exhales through your nose. No one needs to know you are doing this. This is an amazing reset for your nervous system.

If it’s a particularly heated conversation, couple it with a bathroom break, grabbing some water, or going for a walk around the block.
Get Curious and Listen: Most of us have a strong inner judge that loves to judge other people instead of really listening to what they have to say. Check-in with yourself with a sense of curiosity and ask yourself what’s really going on here.

What thoughts or judgements do I have about this person that could be influencing how I’m processing what they are saying? What about my history and experiences might be leading me to think this way? What are some possible reasons that they may be acting this way? Be curious without judgment.
Find the 10% Truth in Their Words: People mostly want to be listened to and heard. So if this is a relationship that is really important to you, make the effort to REALLY listen to them. You don’t have to agree with them. Listening isn’t validating their opinion, but it does validate them as a human being. Show them you are listening by reflecting back to them what they are saying.

This can be really hard. So a tiny step you can take in this direction is to find the 10% you like about what they are saying and reflect it back to them. Or the 10% of truth that is in their statement. Invite them to do the same. It will help build tiny bridges between the differences.

You can say something along the lines of "What I like/love about your idea is...AND what this brings up for me is ..." Don't use the word "but" in the sentence. It's an automatic wedge between you.