Thoughts That Sustain Me As A Parent
Lots of love to all you mamas and nurturers out there who work tirelessly every day to support your loved ones. I hope you were able to refuel your love tanks this past weekend, whether it was through spending time with family or escaping for special quiet time.
I’m usually the “I love you guys but I’m taking a mama recharge alone day” kind of mom, but COVID-19 changed that dynamic this year. But the boys spiced it up by surprising me with a fun mother’s day hike outside of NYC. Hikes always nourish my soul and help me hit the reset button as a reluctant urban jungle dweller.
It felt great to get some movement in, feel the breeze, inhale fresh air, see distant views, hop over creeks, and scramble over rocks. It was also nice to share it with my boys and luxuriate in knowing that they planned the outing for me. There were still some grumbles that I was a slow hiker as usual but they kept it to a minimum. 😉
I even got a video professing how much they love me and how much I inspire them. I’m a little suspicious of it’s authenticity coming from a tween and teenager but I’ve decided not to have “thoughts” about it. 🤣
It’s so nice and easy to feel good when everyone is treating you like a queen, but what about the other 364 days of the year?
There’s the rub. Most days we mamas don’t get constant recognition from our loved ones for our hard work raising the kids, managing the household, all while juggling work (like the master ninjas that we sometimes are!). We give and give, with little oral recognition in return.
Most of the time it’s no biggie. We love our families. It was our choice to have kids. But the heavy burden that many women carry in terms of childrearing and managing the household was not what many of us thought we were signing up for, even in households where the spouses "help" with the kids such as my own.
No one thanks us daily as a parent for changing the diapers, wiping down the countertops, doing the laundry, changing the sheets, keeping up with the doctor’s appointments, keeping the fridge stocked, cooking meals, emptying the dishwasher, planning the holidays and juggling everyone’s schedules, etc. As a result, many of us can feel frustrated, angry, resentful, bitter, or annoyed, especially when we carry more than our fair share of the responsibilities.
Some of us have partners or kids who do notice (or we’ve trained them to notice over the years) and this certainly makes life a little easier, but most of the time they are busy surviving their own hectic schedules (even more so now with the extra stresses of COVID-19). If only they would say “thank you” more often and recognize our heroic efforts, THEN we’d feel better, appreciated or at the very least less angry. Sound familiar to anyone?
But here’s the hard and liberating truth.
Other people can’t affect our feelings. We are responsible for our own feelings. It’s our job to feel better if that’s what we want.
OUR THOUGHTS CREATE OUR FEELINGS
If we’re feeling unappreciated, unloved, resentful, angry or anything along those lines, we need to take a look under our own hood, at our own thoughts.
What is the quality of the thoughts we are thinking in our brain?
Some thoughts uncovered recently by some of my clients include:
My husband and kids are taking me for granted.
I’m nothing but a maid to them.
They don’t do their fair share of the work.
They expect me to be available 24/7.
They aren’t respecting my boundaries.
I’m a terrible mom... I'm not present for my kids enough.
When they think these thoughts they create feelings of frustration, resentment, annoyance, anger and guilt.
If they aren’t self-aware these negative emotions can fuel non-productive actions such as yelling at their spouse and kids, unfocused work, inability to set appropriate boundaries, guilt about delegating when needed, people pleasing to control other people’s opinions of themselves, endless scrolling on social media to dull their discomfort, and overeating or drinking away their uncomfortable emotions, etc.
Our emotions fuel all our actions and inactions in life, which then lead to the results we create in our lives. Their thoughts were creating their realities.
Truth be told, we’re putting ourselves in a vulnerable situation if we rely on others to make us feel better.
Do we really want to wait around for recognition from our spouse, kids or society to thank us for all our hard work and love so we can feel better - when we have the capacity to feel better right in our own minds?
I certainly don’t! 😁
I’m not saying it isn’t wonderful when others recognize my efforts, but it isn’t my bread and butter. It isn’t what sustains me. Don’t get me wrong, our society has a long way to go in terms of valuing everything mothers and caregivers do. I’m all about that.
But the fact remains, external circumstances don’t cause our feelings. Our thoughts do.
Circumstances may trigger us to have a thought, but we always have a choice in how we choose to think, feel and show up in the world. We may not have control over anything else in the world but we do have control over this.
Some thoughts that sustain me as a parent (and I don’t need any proof to think these thoughts):
I’m an amazing and loving mom.
I am loved.
I love my family to the moon and beyond.
I trust my gut instinct as a parent.
I’m doing my best and my best is good enough.
I am worth investing time and money in.
My self-care is a priority and makes me a better parent.
These thoughts make me feel confident, loved, assured, worthy, and important. And when I feel this way I’m a more effective and loving parent.
So put yourself back in the driver’s seat of your emotional life and take responsibility for how you feel. I’m not saying you don’t make requests of your partner and kids to help out around the house and share the load of responsibilities (I certainly do!), just make sure your own emotional self-care falls squarely in your camp.
Everyone will benefit as a result.
Our thoughts and feelings are the one thing we have some semblance of control over in our lives (with some awareness and practice). Controlling external circumstances like COVID-19, work, schools, homework, our spouses and kids are much harder and exhausting to control. It is possible in some cases, but you’ll always be more successful if you start with your thoughts first and work your way out.
Sending you love and light,
Melody 🦋
P.S. If you’re ready to take back control of your emotional life, set up a free with me consult by clicking here. I'm passionate about helping you live your best life and thrive!